Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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