Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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