I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
