i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
