I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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