I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
