how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
