i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
