I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My vagina is officially offended.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
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