He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
