I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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