We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
