Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
