Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
