would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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