I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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