oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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