My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
