# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
