Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
