I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
