You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
