got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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