I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
