I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
