garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
