Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I take back everything I said about communal showers
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
