is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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