I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
