I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
In other news, I just burned my penis
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
