did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
