discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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