I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
