I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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