You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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