I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
