i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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