This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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