I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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