he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
