Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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