The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
