I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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