she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
