Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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