dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize