Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
