I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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