I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
