I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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