i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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