The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
