I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
