How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
