i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
